Discussion Guide

Introduction

1. Lament is essential and it’s hard. Some possible sources of grief can be found on pp. xi-xii. Try naming, out loud or in a journal, what loss or grief led you to join this group.

2. Grieving practices have been lost among many communities and are even actively suppressed at times. How have you seen grieving modeled in your world? What ways have seemed healthy, and which have been avoidant or unhelpful?

Chapter 1

1. When disaster or loss happens, people often use platitudes or truisms to offer what they believe is comfort. What hurtful, incomplete, or untrue things have you heard in response to a loss you or someone you love has experienced?

2. Isaiah 61 is one of many passages about how God feels about the brokenhearted. Consider the possibility that the Divine wants to offer care and comfort for you in your grief. What does that stir in you?

Chapter 2

1. Have you tried to suppress or numb your grief? If so, how?

2. Engage the tearing practice at the end of the chapter and spend some time journaling afterward. What did you notice? What surprised you?

Chapter 3

1. Psychologists have found that listening to sad music helps with processing memories, regulating emotion, and activating empathy. Listen to your favorite sad song and notice what memories, thoughts, and emotions are stirred. This Lament Playlist includes some music that resonates with me.

2. It’s ok to need help with the hard work of grief. Who has helped you carry your sadness thus far? Who might you ask for help in the future (this might include a friend, therapist, pastor, or spiritual director)?

Chapter 4

1. Memento mori is a Latin phrase meaning “remember you will die.” While it may sound gloomy at first blush, it is really an invitation to treasure your life. How can you honor your life as precious even as you grieve?

2. Grief isn’t linear but twists and turns and spirals. Grieving most losses is not a one and done kind of thing. Does that sound like good or terrible news? Why?

Chapter 5

1. In a time when we are bombarded by all kinds of headlines, often negative ones, many of us cope by choosing to bury or ignore memories. But the love enfolded in our grief invites attention. Take 15-30 minutes and allow memories connected with your loss to surface. Be gentle. Journal or talk to a friend about the experience.

2. Lament is a chance to let the best parts of what or who was lost be carried forward while also making room for growth and change in needed ways. What practices, habits, or perspectives will you cultivate from the loved one who was lost or your experience of grief? What will you lay down or avoid modeling?

Chapter 6

1. Your window of tolerance is your ‘Goldilocks zone’ of not zoning out or being overstimulated. Review the section called “Cultivating Safety” that starts on page 86. Choose one or two ways of cultivating more capacity for navigating stress that resonate with you and be ready to practice them the next time you feel overwhelmed.

2. Patient pacing is key for engaging lament. Taking breaks is essential. Take 15-30 minutes to engage the Terra Divina practice on your own or with friends or family (p. 92-95).

Chapter 7

1. Is there a church, family, work, or other environment you have needed to recognize as systemically broken or harmful? How was it to acknowledge that reality? Consider what remains in healing those wounds. What help do you need from the Spirit or others?

2. Oppression is anything that impairs shalom (peace and wholeness) before God who desires every creature to flourish. What are some ways you notice shalom lacking in or around you? Consider writing a letter to God or create a collage to illustrate your grief and your hope.

Chapter 8

1. Job felt the freedom to ask God hard questions about his suffering and to reject his friends’ efforts to explain them away. What hard questions do you need to engage about your loss or grief? What do you need to have the freedom or courage to ask them?

2. When families or communities grieve together, everyone grieves differently. There isn’t one right way to mourn. How do you tend to express your sadness in healthy ways? How do your loved ones engage in lament? Consider having a conversation about how to honor your respective grieving languages and needs.

Chapter 9

1. Children need our protection but silence about loss and suffering doesn’t shield them but instead leaves them either confused or believing talking about grief is wrong. What helps you accompany the children in your world when they experience it?

2. Read a children’s book about sadness or loss such as The Invisible String or When Sadness is at Your Door. Notice what comes up for you. Consider re-reading the book with a child in your life and talking with them about who they are in the story, what pages they like best, etc.

Chapter 10

1. Have you ever felt like you lost faith? If you’re there now, know you’re not alone and be gentle with yourself. If you’ve seen hope begin to be reborn, how did it happen?

2. Modern day teachers conveying wrong and damaging things often claim to be speaking for God as Job’s friends did but the situation isn’t hopeless. When they confessed that sometimes bad things happen and they don’t know why, they were freed and forgiven. What do you need to admit to yourself, God, or others? Are there destructive or incomplete teachings you need to add to or even root out altogether?