Comfort Food
To quote our friends across the pond, “Let’s put a kettle on!
Tea, like coffee, is a connecting beverage. This could mean a sacred conversation with a trusted friend. It might look like time for reflection, reading a good book (check out some good books, movies, and more), or journaling (questions for contemplation). You don’t need to sell me on prioritizing sips of comfort.
Sometimes, moments in movies say it best. Ryan Gossling and the cast of Lars and the Real Girl feed us such a moment. In the 2007 film, written by Nancy Oliver, comfort food cameos:
Do you have a dish or beverage that always reminds you of your loved one? A meal connected to your loss? What might that be and why is it significant?
I want to invite you to share that in our Collective Recipe and Commemorative Taste Space where you’ll also find a collection of comfort food stories.
Food can be solace as well as sustenance. The idea of comfort food spans time and crosses cultures. While considering with gratitude how friends helped her stay nourished as she accompanied her sister through illness and death, Janet Reich Elsbach noticed, “The things we survive have one common thread: if we got through it, we must have eaten something” (in Opelt, 94).
In chapter six, which explores trauma and finding the courage to lament, I wrote, “Pay attention to embodied and emotional safety as you explore loss and brokenness. If you find yourself leaving a calm, here and now, state of attention when remembering a story, stop and engage your senses. You might find it helpful to stretch, take a walk, or make a cup of tea. Once you feel more settled, you can return to what you were thinking, praying, and feeling your way through…It’s important to breathe deeply, finding something that connects you to your physical space. Smith suggests eating some chocolate, a bath or shower, or playing with your pet. Let someone know you’re having a hard time. It’s helpful to change your environment, getting outside, putting bare feet on grass, or lying down with a cozy blanket.” (p. 90-91).
After she lost her father suddenly, Merissa Gerson noticed, “People had so many words for me.
‘You need to rest.’
‘You need to pray.’
‘You need to work out.’
‘You need a drink.’
But the fact is, I just needed to listen to myself. I already knew what I needed: people to listen, hugs, quiet and caring company, food, fun, and distraction” (Gerson, p. 28).
It’s no accident that after raising her from the dead, Jesus’s first encouragement was to give Jairus’s daughter something to eat (Mark 5:43). And Tish Harrison Warren notices, “Of all the things he could’ve chosen to be done ‘in remembrance of him,’ Jesus chose a meal” (in Opelt, 96). As she mourned a miscarriage, Amanda Held Opelt remembers her husband suggesting they go blueberry picking. She writes, “I will always remember the wisdom of my husband, that his first inclination after learning that my body was passing through the valley of the shadow of death was this: Let’s go feed that body. Let’s give it sunshine. Let’s let it breathe” (Opelt, 87).
It’s no accident that after raising her from the dead, Jesus’s first encouragement was to give Jairus’s daughter something to eat (Mark 5:43). And Tish Harrison Warren notices, “Of all the things he could’ve chosen to be done ‘in remembrance of him,’ Jesus chose a meal” (in Opelt, 96). As she mourned a miscarriage, Amanda Held Opelt remembers her husband suggesting they go blueberry picking. She writes, “I will always remember the wisdom of my husband, that his first inclination after learning that my body was passing through the valley of the shadow of death was this: Let’s go feed that body. Let’s give it sunshine. Let’s let it breathe” (Opelt, 87).
Historically, funerals have included food and drink sometimes as offerings for the dead and also for grieving relatives and friends. The bottom layer of this Egyptian relief from around 3000 BCE is of a funeral with jars of wine shaded from the heat of the sun by palm fronds and a man clutching his head which is thrown back in grief. The middle layer is packed with more mourners and the top one is a table filled with all kinds of food.
Jewish funeral meals typically include bread to symbolize life and boiled eggs since eggs harden the longer they are cooked, conveying the hardness of grief. In Japan, sushi is often served since the circular shape alludes to the cyclical nature of life and the white of the rice is a color associated with mourning.In England and Holland, it was once common to serve cookies with the name or initials of the lost loved one printed on them. Opelt notes that sometimes mourners would keep them for weeks or years as a “token of remembrance of the dead” (Opelt, 88). In an unconscious imitation of that practice, we served cookies with an illustration of the book cover at the launch party for Hopeful Lament.
‘We brought casseroles.”
“Is there something I should be doing right now?”
“No Dear, you eat.”
“We came over to sit.”
“That’s what people do when tragedy strikes.”
“They come over and sit”
Southern funeral spreads are usually pot-lucks filled with cheesy casseroles, rich desserts, and fried foods. As the saying goes, "Nobody in the world eats better than a bereaved Southerner." In the US and particularly in the American South, comfort food is often conflated with soul food. Toni Tipton-Martin writes, “We know the story of of the “magical negro” cooks who fashioned their food customs “in sorrow’s kitchen,” as Jessica B. Harris has written. These were people who’d lost their indigenous cultures. Their food habits were stripped away…But forced to fend for themselves, they applied remembered African practices and impressive survival skills to make-do provisions in their cabins, creating a highly seasoned, “soul-satisfying catalogue of dishes known as the roots of soul food” (p. 12). She emphasizes that “like the Biblical Jubilee that marks restoration of a people through deliverance, rest, and land conservation, and like Jubilee Day celebrations marking the emancipation of enslaved Americans, our culinary Jubilee is also about liberation and resilience.” (p. 9).
The food we eat can conjure personal memories and the larger stories we participate in together. Preparing and sharing meals can honor the past and lost beloveds as well as sustain us and celebrate the current moment.
Please visit our Collective Recipe and Commemorative Taste Space and share your stories. Here are a handful of stories from that page:
“Julie Harvey, a friend of my mom’s became a friend of mine the first time I entered her Midland, TX home. Fresh out of college, my mind and eyes were wide open and I noticed her thoughtful decorations. On the kitchen table, sat a decorative glass vase filled with Valentine conversations hearts. These colorful treats drew me in. I asked her if she filled the container for every holiday. “Sure do. For Christmas, it’s peppermints.” Years later, she shared “I knew we’d be friends when you asked ‘wrapped or unwrapped’ about my special holiday candy jar.” We lost Queen Julia, as I call her, to a fiercely fought battle with pancreatic cancer. Her inspiration lives on and, this year, I’m going to display (and eat) candy in honor of Julie.”-- Rebekah M. on 2.8.24 via our Collective Recipe and Commemorative Taste Space.
“My paternal grandmother was Annie Ozella Jones. She loved fishing, visiting her cows, and iced tea. She watched Wheel of Fortune every single day and had the best laugh. She was also a fabulous cook, known for her yeast rolls, tea cakes, and other treats. One year, when my papaw, an avid fisherman and hunter, came home with ducks intended to serve as the Thanksgiving main dish. Mamaw sourced recipes intended to compliment the bird including a cranberry apple relish that my family makes every year. Every Thanksgiving as I chop apples, pecans, and oranges for that sweet and tangy relish, I remember her with love and gratitude.” --Terra on 3.12.24
Check out the Supplemental Media Page for more suggestions and maybe a little “comfort food” for your soul.
Sacred Sips
Since it was Christ’s first miracle, we are giving this beverage and what it can signify a deeper dive. Visit and learn about the historical ties to wine and pair it with your book discussions.