What is a Duelo Box?

Sep 27

One of my favorite parts of getting ready to send my book into the world (nearly a year ago!) was putting together grief and hope tool kits for some of my early readers. I made some extras so I could continue sharing them.

The idea is simple. Since grief work is sacred and it’s hard, it can feel isolating. It takes time to metabolize pain. But it can feel overwhelming to begin. So, anything that gets the senses involved in the process can go a long way toward healing.

In the past few weeks, I’ve shared several of those kits that, thanks to my brilliant friend Rebekah, I’ve started calling Duelo Boxes. Duelo is Spanish for grief or mourning.

I gifted some to a group of women living with the complex grief of losing their moms at a young age. Since I’ve rediscovered my love for the simple, tactile delight of embroidery while writing Hopeful Lament, I was inspired to include handkerchiefs stitched with their mother’s names. I’ll be adding that element to many of the boxes I gift in the future. The handkerchief I’m working on now speaks my prayer for the one who will receive it: peace.

A handkerchief with a multicolor pattern with the script word “peace” embroidered on it.

You can create a Duelo Box of your own using everyday items. You might make one for someone who is healing. Or someone who is approaching the anniversary of a significant loss. You might have some things you know need some breathing room in your own life.

Whether you are making a kit for yourself or a loved one, I’ll suggest a few possibilities. Many are probably already around your place. Others might take a little intentionality to source. As always, take what resonates and leave the rest. My encouragement is to choose objects that are tactile and engage the senses.

Here are a few ideas:

A salt packet and a jar (consider thrifting one or reusing a jam jar) to create a tear jar
A small real or battery-powered candle
A prism as a reminder that the light and goodness of a lost life, dream, or relationship remains even in their absence
A crayon, piece of chalk, or watercolors to invite creative expressions
A pressed flower
An encouraging quote or word
A bookmark to remind you to take breaks and let yourself get lost in a good story

I wish I could make Duelo Boxes for everyone reading these words, but I have to honor that is beyond my capacity. I am committed to sending everyone who wants one a watercolor bookmark. If you’d like to receive a bookmark and be entered into my monthly drawing for a specialized Duelo Box please fill out this form.

My Duelo Boxes typically include:

Paper to tear and flower seeds– all connected to the tearing practices found starting on page 34 at the end of the second chapter. (Note: I used watercolor, gold or ivory paint, and incense ashes on the tearing paper.)
Bandanas dyed with either avocado (light purple), yellow onion (dark orangey-brown), or beets (pale beige) also for tearing
Art paper for creating collages or mandalas like those described at the close of chapters eight and ten.
An envelope containing words and images you can use in collage
A trusty glue stick

All these things can be used in ways that are a kind of prayer. I also include a container of essential oil to remind you that all laments can become a conversation with a loving God who promises to be near the brokenhearted. As Psalm 141:2 says, “Let my prayer be counted as incense before you…” My duelo boxes have either frankincense or sustainably sourced palo santo oil as both are associated with prayer in various cultures.

Grief is hard work. So there is also a square of burlap. There is good reason ancient lament practices often included wearing sackcloth. Its coarse texture reflects the realities of living with pain and loss. I pin a safety pin onto the burlap to remind you that patient pacing is key to practicing lament in a way that heals rather than contributes to more suffering. No rushing or forcing here.

Lastly, there is some herbal tea to remind you to be kind to yourself in all these things. Maybe you’ll make a mug to accompany your reading or practice. Or you might sip the tea as you talk with a friend about what you are discovering about lament that doesn’t cause you to lose heart. See the items in one box here.

Don’t forget, I would love to send you a bookmark. Take a minute to fill out the Bookmark & Duelo Box Giveaway Form! And check out all the resources in my apothecary for lament here.

with care,
terra

Coming Up

I’m honored to be speaking on creating hospitality for lament with children and families at the Church Mental Health Summit alongside Aundi Kolber, Caroline Leaf, Makoto Fujimura, and Latasha Morrison in October. The event is sponsored by Spiritual First Aid and Hope Made Strong and will happen on World Mental Health Day.

What I’m reading

The Evangelical Imagination: How Stories, Images & Metaphors Created a Culture in Crisis by Karen Swallow Prior.

I met Karen at the Wild Goose Festival this summer and picked up a copy of her book. So far, I’m most struck by her exploration of the awakening metaphor that is foundational to modern evangelicalism (think of the first and second “Great Awakenings”) and the ways that many who claim an evangelical identity today use ‘woke’ as a term of slander.

The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

In The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt explores the dramatic uptick in mental health challenges for young people. He makes a well-researched case for keeping kids under 13 off social media completely and for limited, safe access until 17 or 18.

He says children need much more independent play and much less screen time.

“Children learn through play to connect, synchronize, and take turns. They enjoy attunement and need enormous quantities of it.

Attunement and synchronicity bond pairs, groups, and whole communities. Social media, in contrast, is mostly asynchronous and performative. It inhibits attunement and leaves heavy users starving for social connection.” -Jonathan Haidt

What I’m watching

I just finished the final season of the Umbrella Academy and I am not over it yet. The new actors this season were pitch-perfect and it had just the right amount of sibling drama, and hat tips to classic campy horror films and modern classics (including the perfect homage to the scene where Uma Thurman breaks out after being buried alive in Kill Bill 2). I have thought a lot about the ending and rewatched the final two episodes twice.

I won’t spoil it, but I will say this story did some things nearly unheard of in superhero storytelling. It centered on women’s wisdom and characters willing to change their minds and admit when they were wrong. Best of all, it resisted the sacralizing of violence and winning at all costs typical of the genre. The music was also perfect as usual. I have been listening to this on repeat. (Also, I didn’t realize he was that Noel until writing this. Speaking of, you might have heard that Oasis is touring again in 2025…) And I always love hearing this one, especially since it reminds me of another great Netflix series (Anne with an E). I might have to go watch season four again now .

I’m also loving the latest season of Only Murders in the Building. Jane Lynch is the best as Sazz (RIP) and it is so surprising and fun that Meryl stayed on for a second season. Maybe the rumors are true.