The Sacrament of Friendship

I’ve been thinking about how all life emerges from the womb of a relationship. The Trinity is three beings utterly themselves yet inextricably connected. Their bond is one of mutual submission while eternally honoring one another. Everything else is the overflow of that love. We are invited into the holy communion of Parent, Child, and Spirit together. Just before his arrest, Jesus prayed, “…that they may be one, as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become completely one, so that the world may know that you have sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me” (John 17:22-23). Rozella Haydee White says the Trinity “models revolutionary relationship in ways that show what life could be like when we fall in love with ourselves and each other.”

For most of my adult life, I’ve valued friendship in theory but struggled to live it well. It was difficult to prioritize when parenting a young child and getting through college. In ministry, friendship felt complicated by the demands of leadership. And I’ve sometimes thought of it as frivolous or indulgent. It’s not. We need trustworthy companions to become our truest selves and connect more fully with the Holy. Bono calls friendship a sacrament, as holy and transformative as the bread and wine of communion or the waters of baptism. I wonder what might shift for us if we considered friendship as a means of receiving (and offering) divine grace.

Celebration and Everyday Joy

Finding a better normal after the profound isolation of the pandemic hasn’t been easy. But friendship isn’t only holy, it’s healthy. People with close relationships live longer. Research has found the opposite is true: “People with no friends or poor-quality friendships are twice as likely to die prematurely, …a risk factor even greater than the effects of smoking 20 cigarettes per day.”

After a series of losses, Nicole Zasowski realized, “I was missing out on delight in the present moment because I dreaded the pain I imagined the future would bring. I neglected connection in relationships because too often, I chose projects over people.” I’m relearning how vital it is to invest in friendship, too. It’s how we remember who we are, what we’ve lived through, and who we can be. John O’Donohue contended, “Human presence is a creative and turbulent sacrament, a visible sign of invisible grace…Friendship is the sweet grace that liberates us to approach, recognize, and inhabit…” the adventure of a life well lived.

My daughter is a wonderful example of faithful friendship. She says friendship thrives when given its proper priority as non-negotiable. She emphasizes the importance of doing everyday things together instead of feeling pressure for every gathering to include an expensive meal or trip. She has a weekly evening (or as near to that as women with careers, marriages, and young kids can manage) with friends she’s known for years. They navigate work, marriage challenges, birth, death, and new beginnings together and are better for it.

Being Known and Other Consolations

David Zahl believes the most transformative friendships “may include our finest moments, but they are forged in our worst ones.” My best friend and I have shared more than a few hard times, but a defining one was as she walked with me to survey the damage after my housefire was extinguished. As the sun set, one of the emergency vehicles was having trouble navigating our steep driveway and overcorrected, nearly backing into us. She cracked a joke about what a bummer it would’ve been if I’d survived the fire only to be hit by a truck. There is no doubt in my mind that our peals of laughter were God’s grace, a first breath on the road of healing.

Another friend teaches me by example about the power of presence by making time for long drives to gather with friends after grueling work weeks and navigating her partner’s chronic illness. She takes pilgrimages with friends who lost one of their midst to cancer to celebrate that woman’s life. She has Sunday meals with her husband, son, ex-husband, and his wife to embrace the family that they are. 

And one of the best things that happened last year was the chance to reconnect with some friends from high school. It sparked in me a renewed attention to the importance of friendship, belonging, and how we become whole together. I noticed how profoundly life-giving it was to pick up where we left off, going from laughter to tears back to laughter. It was wonderful to simply be with people who know each other’s stories—the beautiful, the embarrassing, the tragic, and the hilarious (including that one time we accidentally almost got our youth pastor—a man who was and is a kind and generous soul—fired).

God’s Nature

 John O’Donohue believed “Friendship is the nature of God.” Consider this your welcome to reconnect with an old friend in the year ahead and maybe make a new one. Consider it your chance to tell a friend who’s already in your life why you’re grateful they are.

 Who knows childhood or teen or young adult you best? What did they teach you about what matters most? Are you still close? Why or why not? if you were to reconnect with one friend or family member you’ve lost touch with who would it be and why? What kind of friend do you want to be for others?

With care,
terra

PS A version of this essay is also available on the Companioning Center’s blog. You can read (or listen!) here.

Also, I love what Rozella Haydee White wrote about diversity in friendship. It’s a longer quote that bears its own consideration and is certainly a growing edge for me. I hope you’ll join me in hoping, praying, and acting for more of this in my world and your own!

Here’s what she had to say:

“When I talk about diversity, I am not just talking about racial and ethnic diversity. I am talking about diversity of thought, economic back-ground, identity, orientation, religious affiliation (or lack thereof), geographic location, educational attainment— you name it! One of the greatest blessings in my life is to be engaged in diverse relationships.

Diversity by itself is not what's most important. And diversity for diversity's sake doesn't cut it. When I talk about diversity, I mean a space where we aren't expected to water down, assimilate, or integrate our identities (particularly those of us with marginalized identities). We pride ourselves on valuing diversity, but oftentimes what we really value is representation, not authentic relationship. We don't honor the image of God in a person if we expect them to ignore or diminish aspects of their identity in order to fit in…We miss out on God's creativity when surround ourselves with people who are just like us.”

What I’m watching:

I loved the Dr. Who Christmas Specials with the amazing return of David Tennant for the 60th anniversary of the show. What wouldn’t I watch David Tennant in? He’s great as a demon who can’t shake his conscience or his friendship with Aziraphale in Good Omens. He’s chilling in Jessica Jones as a psychopathic former mentor/captor. And he is just as delightful as ever as the Doctor. Plus, Neil Patrick Harris guest stars as the Toymaker. I love NPH as a bad guy. He’s great as the creepy therapist in the Matrix Resurrections. Perfectly cringy as a bad guy and an even worse actor in A Series of Unfortunate Events. And the Dr. Horrible sing alongs with Nathan Fillion? Come on.

I love the way Dr. Who captures a similar anything-goes, zany creativity of the original Star Trek series. It’s a show that always majors in joy and faithful friendship even if there is a lot of alien goo, mayhem, and peril alongside a heaping portion of campy. And I am definitely here for the 15th doctor and the “bi-generation” allowing two versions of the Doctor to exist. The new series comes out in May. Stay tuned.

What I’m reading:

I am rereading the Odes of Solomon, an early second-century songbook, the first of the early church, written before the New Testament was compiled into a single text! I took some time to read the introduction that traces its fascinating discovery, translation, and history today. The translator, a Princeton professor emeritus who has been studying the Odes since 1966, emphasizes the early church’s understanding that men and women were created in God’s image and of the Spirit as feminine. He writes, “The Odist perceived the Spirit to be feminine, and also describes the Father with feminine imagery (most likely to warn against imaging God as a male or a warrior god)…the Odist most likely borrowed this imagery from the Song of Songs 1:2 and 1:4…[by the time of the early church] many Jews and Christians assumed that the Song of Songs, “the superlative song,” was the wise composition by Solomon  and that Israel is the bride, and God, the Lover, the one who has “breasts.” An initial shock at an unfamiliar image will hopefully be replaced by perception and appreciation of the insights that transcend the physical…” May it be so among us.

I am making my way through Amanda Held Opelt’s A Hole in the World. It is tender and profound, weaving her stories of grief and loss, including that of her sister Rachel Held Evans, with rituals that have been either lost or muted in much modern grief practice. I was particularly intrigued by the chapter on funeral meals, aptly titled “Casseroles.”

I’ve started the children’s Bible The Peace Table coauthored by Teresa Kim Pecinovsky. It is gorgeous and thoughtful. I’m weaving it into some of my morning and weekend devotional time in place of my usual NRSV read from my phone.

What I’m listening to:

U2 is still in heavy rotation with no regrets. I recently added this Dolly Parton classic to the twins playlist after reading them this sweet story (which definitely made me choke up). And I’m loving a newly discovered acoustic version of a-ha’s “Take On Me.” What are you listening to these days?

What I’m making:

I have created a celebration called a diamond birthday. Here’s how it works: on the year that matches the date of your birthday, you get to have a whole year of celebrating life in a special way. You can steal that if you want! When is your diamond birthday?

 I was born on the 24th so this year is mine. I’d already decided I wanted to cook and bake more this year since the first eighteen months of the twins’ life was pretty “all-hands-on-deck” in the best way and that meant a lot of takeout. This year, I’ve made delicious soups like a simple butternut and pumpkin bisque, the white bean soup from Bread and Wine (a lovely memoir/cookbook gifted to me by Torey), and a red lentil soup said to be inspired by the one Esau sold his birthright to get a bowl of from Olive Trees and Honey. And on the baking front, I made Torey the decadent Collins Chocolate Cake from With Love, From Cynthia by the dearly departed Cynthia of the also-dearly departed Peach Tea Tearoom in Fredericksburg.

Next up for the March edition of my diamond birthday is the gorgeous orange-flower and saffron cake that adorns the cover of Canelle et Vanille Bakes Simple (say that five times fast!) that I’ve had my eye on. I’ll report back on how it turns out!

I’ll leave you with a blessing for friendship:

May you be blessed with good friends.
May you learn to be a good friend to yourself.
May you be able to journey to that place in your soul where there is great love, warmth, feeling, and forgiveness.
May this change you.
May it transfigure that which is negative, distant, or cold in you.
May you be brought in to the real passion, kinship, and affinity of belonging.
May you treasure your friends.
May you be good to them and may you be there for them; may they bring you all the blessings, challenges, truth, and light that you need for your journey.
May you never be isolated.
May you always be in the gentle nest of belonging with your anam cara.

 -John O’Donohue